Hello, it's been a minute since I wrote a blog. I am reminded of Long Term Survivors Day as it approaches.
I was diagnosed in 1997. I suspected until yesterday I was given this condition through a sex partner as a teenager. My first boyfriend died of AIDS-related complications in 1994, he received several blood transfusions as a kid.
Yesterday while in my hometown, I saw a stranger who remembered me as a person she knew through common friends, one of which was my husband. I learned today he was sleeping with men while sleeping with me. I love surprises... not.
I always wondered how a man who claimed to love us so much would desert his wife and child. Things may be getting clearer as I piece together my memories and deep down I knew this was happening, but who asks their husband if they are sleeping with the dope man.
I never saw him again. Oh, retract, I saw him briefly to divorce him after 13 years. He is always angry and never wants to see myself or my daughter.
I carry a certain burden around for being in denial until 2006, when I could no longer deny I was living with HIV and I was about to reach an AIDS diagnosis. Luckily I was two points above that status when I started my ARV drugs. Within one month I was undetectable and have been since, but for the grace of God.
I am not mad at anyone for my status as I should of been using condoms, sense, and universal precautions, especially when drinking and drugs were involved, so I put this condition on me.
I was a CNA working with humans dying from AIDS related complications. I really was educated; so why didn't I protect myself in all areas of my life?
Today I thrive living with HIV. I have adjusted to a new way of life as I care for my human condition. I still feel sad that so many lost their lives. People I loved were dying yet I sat in denial hoping this would go away or kill me quick. To see my friends suffer this incredible journey (most alone except for me by their side), I made a point to be there with them, to cheer up, to cry, to just sit. I never told a soul I tested positive. I never let the thoughts of what was going on around me ruin me… oh but I did; I dove head deep into a life of drugs and alcohol all the while being the girl who could light up a room and bring comfort to those hurting.
This is really a tough write as today I'm clean and so many new and old untouched emotions are welling up in my mind. I share this to ask some very much needed questions to myself. How did you get to live? Is he living with the virus alone all this time? I am public about my status so am I hurting him more by not asking him if he is ok? He is watching us live yet we can never see the actual man. Why, Who, Where is not important today. The fact is I have HIV in my body and I must take my meds every day to stay healthy. What an opportunity I have that others were not given.
Now, with U=U, life is being renewed as I call it. A chance to fall in love. Science to back me up that I can be in a healthy sexually active relationship.
I am in a serodiscordant relationship for six years, and yes, we have condomless sex if we want.
I am happy to be alive and thriving. I struggle with life sometimes. I do know HIV is not going to kill me as long as I stick to the adherence of my meds.
I have an amazing support system of like people through #thewellproject and #pwn-usa. There are so many reasons to be alive today.
Stay beautiful and enjoy your journey. #Togetherwecan
Thank you for sharing your struggles. The first couple of years after stopping using substances can be challenging. There were a lot of feelings that come up for me after using alcohol and drugs for almost 30 years, I had a lot to feel, a lot I had forgotten about or didn't want to think about. Really glad you are getting the help and guidance you need and that you have found support in The Well Project and PWN.
There are so many wonderful women who understand and can identify with our pain and our hope.
Glad you are here.
Long Term Survivor Day
I do feel the love.
revisiting this blog
I had the conversation with my ex and he says he trusts me to write what I need too. I said to him, "I wrote some real shit I was holding inside".All I received was love and assurance of a person who cares about me. He asked if I was ok?
Not sure if thats an admission or if it even matters. Fact is I told him I am and have been living with hiv. I have not read him this blog. I did tell him he could read it here.
He would not answer my questions and I did not pry. I just have to be grateful for being able to finally address this with him openly so I can move on. I advised him to be tested if he never was. He listened and just smiled at me for standing up to help others get through this
Idk its be like a weight off my shoulders. Im dropping the rocks that hold me down.