"I wish" those two words hold so much for me. I wish I could, I wish I was, I wish they would, I wish I hadn't. Sometimes I wish the last few years were just a dream. That the pain, hurt, abuse, loss, failure was just a part of a big elaborate dream. But I know it's not. I know that all the ups, downs, and turnarounds are a part of a divine plan.
There have been plenty of days that I haven't wanted to be a voice, a face, an ear, or a part of this group that deals with HIV. I don't want to stand out in this world that can't deal with folks who are "different". A world where people hate you because of skin color, sexual orientation, medical condition, political beliefs, where you live, and a plethora of other things. I wish we could see the humans behind the labels, skintones, and differences. I wish people could see Tabby, the girl who has made a ton of mistakes, the girl who struggles to maintain, the girl who knows hurt and anger, the girl who knows love, the girl who hurts when others hurt, the girl who fights for everything, and the girl who wishes she was not HIV positive but understands that God has a plan so she tries not to complain.
I wish the visions and dreams would start coming to fruition. I know better than to help God with His plan but sometimes I get in the way so I wish I could be still. I wish God's plans didn't have to involve pain but I know He does not want me to give up because people need to know that my HIV status does not define me and it doesn't have to define them.
So in the end, looking at the grand scheme of my life, my status, my pain and joy I wouldn't wish for another life because I was divinely designed for this. So instead of constantly wishing my hope and prayers are in finding a cure for HIV, educating people about HIV, helping men and women respect their bodies, making HIV have a face and not a label (sidenote; am I the only one who hates the term consumer when people talk about HIV and services. I DID NOT GO TO THE GROCERY STORE AND PICK UP SOME HIV WITH MY ORANGE JUICE...hmmp) and spreading Gods love to all of Gods people not just a select few.