For a whole bunch of reasons no one but me cares about, I've been doing some research and compartmentalizing in my life. Taking stock and assessing where I am not and where I could be emotionally. It has to do with realizing I don't dream anymore. I don't know when I last dreamed. I've had goals, but that's not really the same thing right? I'm negatively triggered and it has me all up in my feelings, but that's another subject for another day.
Anyway since I'm not in therapy currently, I'm working through it as I can with the tools I have. I've said before, negative triggers need a counterbalance of joy triggers. One of the ways I get to the heart of things is by word association. I find it helps me connect dots I don't know are there and close loops that I do see, but couldn't close otherwise. Lemme tell you, lol, I end up with all kinds of turns and subcategories sometimes! It usually ends up looking like some crazy hybrid of a vision board, a photographer's dark room, and a scribbled theory of relativity math problem if you can imagine.
In the process of my list of words, inspire, inspired, and inspiration came up in all the iterations of the word. Inspiration breeds dreams and dreams can help inspire possibilities. You want to see endless possibilities in your dreams right? In looking at things that inspire me, my sub-category included words like love and community. Teaching and storytelling. Kindness found in and from strangers. The beauty and strength I find in vulnerability. Courage and perseverance. Laughter and hope. While I'm writing, I make subconscious notes about where I find those things. This, The Well Project's online collection of women and resources, was among the first I thought of.
There is absolutely love and community here. Each one of us leaves ourselves open and vulnerable every time we tell our stories, post our triumphs, and share our disappointments. Here we teach not only each other but those who are HIV-negative, as we simply live our lives, that nothing is impossible. Teach others how to treat us while learning to forgive ourselves. We each have a different lived experience but are fundamentally connected through perseverance. Individually and collectively we check up on each other through blogging or in ways that extend offline to ensure no one gets left behind and no one has to feel alone in this journey. The way we instill hope in our children, create families and homes and maintain joy therein. I love how we use language to encourage tolerance and stand in the face of stigma. These things take courage.
Thank you for being both an anchor and a compartment on my journey to dreaming again, my beautiful sister friends of The Well Project. I pray that I in some small way inspire someone here to remain hopeful.
Blessings. You matter.