This Thing Called Marriage

Today I am just going to write all that comes into my mind because I think I am going into depression, that is if I am not already.

All of this started last year, December 2019. I have been married for almost thirteen years and I have never met my mother-in-law and my husband's only sister, who is the first born of their family. So sometime early last year I decided to try my mother in-law's cell phone number again, because I have always called that number, but it never connected. After the first two rings of the line, someone picked up and I introduced myself. She did not sound so welcoming so I just told her I wanted to greet her and that I have always tried calling her line but it was never connecting, then I apologised for disturbing her.

After a few hours my sister in-law called and was apologising on behalf of her mother for the way she responded to me when I called. She was so happy that I communicated with them. She asked so many questions and mostly about my kids and family. I then promised to try and visit her during the holiday season, which I did.

I went to see her and we talked for a few because it was quite a distance from where we live in Lagos. One thing she told me got me into thinking about my marriage to the man I call husband. She first wanted me to understand that she will not love me more than her own blood brother from the same parent. She explained to me her reason for not attending our wedding; she said my husband came to inform her like three days to our wedding that he is getting married and she was dumfounded because he has a second woman who he was married to and they have a son together! I told her that I know that he had a first son who is eight or nine years older than my first child in this marriage and she said no! That is not the one; this one, I don't know her. She even told me that she went to take care of the woman when she was put to bed and that the woman had a C-section.

At that point I was lost and in shock, because I have always been open to this man from the word go in this relationship. The first time we met I was 110% open with him. He knew I was a single parent and I am a woman living with HIV the very first two weeks we knew each other.

I don't even want to go into other things she told me, but she said she just wanted me to have a clearer and better understanding of her and she did not hate me or dislike me for any reason, but she still has a very close relationship with the woman in question, and she doesn't want to betray someone who put her trust in her, so again she did apologise for all what happened.

So all this kept me thinking that my marriage has been based on deceit for all these years; it is true that humans are so unpredictable.

What hurt me most is that people around even used to say this to me when they heard that I married an HIV-negative man… Like… wow you husband is Jesus! Can anyone imagine that? Don't let anyone marry you because they feel they are doing you a favour - and is there anything called LOVE, because I have not experienced it nor understand it. Right from when I was young - maybe I will never experience it till I die!

I have been the one giving in this thing call marriage from day one, both emotionally, psychologically and financially; I don't have a saving since I got myself into this mess. We have two beautiful children; that is what keeps me going. The other thing that keeps me going is my job and that too was taken away from me the last working day of January 2020.

Life just keep throwing TANTRUMS! At me.......................................................!!!

Most times since the beginning of this month, February 2020, I don't want to come out of the house or talk to anyone. I just stay indoors and don't feel like eating at all. I have lost some weight from 98kg to 88.30kg. I don't even know if this is a good thing or not. Am I going into depression? Because the situation in Nigeria, it is not okay for anyone couple with this and there is much more I still have not been able to put into writing.

Let me stop here today. I just need to get this out of my mind because it is killing me slowly. I have always tried to make myself happy at all times, but sometimes I feel I am just so tired of this life itself.

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