It's been a mad 3 months. Moved to a new city, new job and life has been a roller coaster. Meeting new friends, and some old ones too. In a busy life while I am trying to be like everybody else, out of the blue sometimes a cruel voice whispers to me that I am different. I wince...then i smile. Yes I am different...I am stronger!
I had my tests done last week. when the results came, my CD4 count had dropped by nearly 250 in only 4 months. I was so low the entire day, till my husband after a few hours of researching on the internet found out that a drop in CD4 count is not considered as bad as long as the ratio is good. Thats exactly what the doctor assured me this morning. My viral load was undetectable, and the ratio was better than before. Now a repeat test after 3 months will decide the pattern of my counts. he said there was nothing to worry about...for now!
After he explained all he had to I asked the one question that was in my head since the time i met him last, but had not asked - so when and how can we start trying for a baby?
It's such a mixed feeling, in one corner of my heart I feel the worst guilt ever for wanting a baby despite knowing that there will be a risk of transferring the virus to my little one. On the other hand, that is what i have been craving for from the moment I realized i am a woman and the greatest gift God has given me as a woman is the opportunity of becoming a mother someday. How can i give that up completely. The reason I got infected was in an attempt of having my baby. I can't lose the battle by letting that be the bottom line. I have to try.
I have been reading a lot in the past weeks and I understand that thanks to the advancement and progress of medical science many HIV positive women have had babies that are HIV negative, but not without a small percentage of risk being involved.
I would like to ask the other women if what I want is unfair or something that I should not lose hope on. My doctor has said that we can discuss this further after my next test results 3 months from now, but meanwhile I would really really appreciate advice. Hope I will find the wisdom to take the right decision.