Thinking about my story. What really is my story?
I grew up in Chicopee, Mass. I have my GED. I have a daughter, I buried a son, I was a dancer for 12 years, and have had my battles with self, life, love, etc. I attended Keiser University to be a paralegal. I owned three homes in my life and one business so far. My story is made up of love, loss, success, failure, sobriety, drugs, peace, violence, lies, wisdom, laughs, GOD, fun, corruption, support, manipulation... to name a few.
I try daily to remember that people don't mean well. At least people I find. I hang around a rough crowd as I believed that was my only worth. I took so long to realize that I am someone. That despite the speed bumps on the road of life, I really am pretty cool. Some would say "I am a Rockstar." I have been known to have "Groupies."
I can do anything I want to and I can achieve goals way beyond what I can imagine. I want so much to be Angel again; the girl you knew, loved, wanted to be a friend and wanted her to be your friend too.
Today it’s so much different. I don’t love, I do wrong, I fall victim to my own choices. Climbing out of self-hate is something I wanted for years. I gave up all the good in me to be the girl people would want to love. I sold my soul to the devil and smiled while doing so.
Now I am doing things differently; although time takes time. Repairing relationships, learning to give genuine love, not just talk big and give others what they want (I needed to turn a bit selfish). Everyone I meet I can turn them into a believer of better things to come for themselves, while letting my own life fall apart.
I talk to a lot of people who really don't understand HIV; it’s been around so long yet is so misunderstood. I am asked all the time if the red marks all over me are from being HIV+. It hurts so much to be told how awful it looks. I find myself pretending this isn't happening. It is. (The answer being NO and its none your... business !)
I am currently unemployed , I can’t keep any commitments. I fall apart often and know nothing about being an adult.
Why then would I blog? How do I survive? What questions need to be answered to move on and rise above this chaos?
I know one thing. I know what I want and yet cannot find it outside of myself. Today it takes all I have to do the routine of getting up. I want to be a nice person. I need to learn to be honest and real.
I look forward to the PWN Summit coming up. I can be around women who have conquered their fears. I wish to bring something back to Sarasota for us women to use to better us. I myself am eager to find out just how many woman are living HIV+ and Loving themselves for who they are.
I am confused about criminalization. I have been a sex worker; haven't we all? The laws scares the crap out of me. Guys and girls I had in my circle knew I was positive yet acted as if it would never happen to them... Hello we are having sex and you don't want to use a condom. What was that conversation we just had? I feel as if the conversation falls on deaf ears.
It is so important for others to understand HIV is not a death sentence; it will however be for life. The side effects and medication, doctors’ appointments, our bodies aging ahead of time. It is treatable but why doesn't anyone want to listen to those of us living with it? I AM SCARED FOR THE FUTURE. I am tired.
Looking forward to being fueled by determination ahead of me. Love from many women of different personalities, sex, race, gender, beliefs, politics, passions, because together we build a "greater than" difference. If we were all the same never intersecting through life, straight common roads and robots would be us.
We are free to be the original we are! However that may play out; for each individual on an individual basis. Thus we are perfectly imperfect fitting into a world of "Jones'"; urging unwilling participants and bystanders to be a little kinder to each person as we come across them; sometimes as easy as a smile.
"WE" as a group feel the same stigma from the uneducated and those still denying the facts no matter the 5 W's and the H. At the end of the day... we also share the same moon.
By seeing each person as their own. Not even as a group. A person. Each one of us is just what another needs to balance at a certain time. Intersectionality (the points we meet; yet we seem worlds apart).
I really have so many questions. So much to learn. I find my passion to help overrides my embarrassment or challenges or Stigma. The more I learn the more empowered I become to be a part of embracing HIV as a diagnosis that can be controlled, to encourage people to stick to routines achieving an undetectable status and living a healthy lifestyle. Education will always be the key that will open doors.
Off to the Summit I go.