In a world full of HIV Negative people, us handful of HIV Positive people feel so alone, and I know for a fact I'm not the only one. It's a normal feeling that happens to us all, but why do we have to accept that and run with it when there's a whole world out there for us to connect with that is full of people, men and women, who are in our same exact shoes?
I remember shutting down when I first found out. I was ignoring everything but work. At the time I was working two jobs, so every day I went to both jobs, came home, went in my room, and shut out the world. Some days I wouldnt even eat and that wasn't good for me or healthy, being that's also when I found out I was pregnant, which also sucked because my hormones were already off balance, and now I had to deal with being HIV Positive. "Who is going to love me after this? Are people even going to want to be around me, want to touch me? I am going to be a real life alien living on the planet earth"... is how I felt.
It went on for about two months of me feeling that way until one day after I got off of those two jobs and I laid in that bed and zoned out the world. My little cousin was usually home and she would tend to my son but this day she wasn't there and my son stood right in front of me and was telling me he was hungry and I was so down and out I couldn't even tell you how long he was standing there trying to get me to tend to him, but I finally caught on - and once I did, it's like something smacked me in my face. I let this Positive status win to the point where I couldnt even take care of my son, and that I couldn't live with. I got on my medication, I began finding support, I began talking about my status, and after a while I began to find my way into groups and safe spaces on Facebook, meeting wonderfully blessed women who have been in my shoes. I can't lie, I have a wonderful support system, but it's something about being able to connect and talk to someone who understands why I felt the way I felt at a certain moment, why I deal with certain things the way that I do because of my status.
The title of this blog explains it all; we are and will never be alone, I promise you. Don't be afraid to connect, because if I wouldn't have connected and talked and found my way to some of these support systems, groups, people, I don't know where I would be today. The storm was a tough one, but the rainbow and the joy that I got once I reached the end of that storm was a marvelous one.