Don't Try Me

I honestly can't get over how entitled and disrespectful and disappointing some Black men continue to be.

You have the audacity to call me your baby to get me in bed but would not defend me if I was called a man by one of your homeboys. You would laugh at my pain. You would hide it from me. You wouldn't admit to them about your attraction to me or how you were living your best life and doing things sexually that turned you on more than me. But I am supposed to be available whenever you have time for me. Please tell me who TF do you think I am? More importantly, who do you think you are.

Transgender women and girls are being killed constantly, and you would fight to the death to protect that toxic masculinity of which you are most definitely a member. So how did we get here? What makes you feel entitled to my time at 5am with no prior conversation? What made you think I cared about your girl going to work and you having missed me. That was not information I needed to know, like ever. But you felt confident enough to do this anyway. Should I have felt honored or privileged that you chose to waste your time and mine?

These are the questions I must ask myself. I'm often told I'm beautiful. Yet, I'm my worst critic and I constantly harp on my perceived flaws. Let me say, these flaws are not what have been dictated to me by society. I mean things about myself that I see today and perhaps because of age and inactivity. Nonetheless, I don't see what others see when they look at me. But just because a man thinks I'm pretty or let's call it what it is, fuckable, that doesn't mean I don't aspire to have more in my life.

What scares me most is their unwillingness to have a discussion around HIV. I am undetectable so I can't transmit to my sexual partners, but I am so much more than a sexual being. I pay attention to the red flags. One time I told the guy what he heard about me was true and tried to have an intelligent conversation, yet it was clear he was not interested in using his big head. I blocked him. And he declared that he loved me after not knowing anything about me but what he sees on social media. He constantly said I was a model. I'm like, "You're not even listening to me. You have already made up your mind that I'm famous."

It's as if what I want doesn't matter, but I do matter and what I want matters. No one will ever make me believe that this hell I have gone through and continue to go through with every report of a trans woman being killed, has been for nothing. I am attracted to men, yet I will not share my body nor my space with anyone who has not accepted himself and his wanting trans women. That's just me. I don't knock anyone for getting them.

As for me, I can go without, or I can pleasure myself. I do this because I am empathetic. Sometimes, I can't differentiate in my emotions and the emotions of those around me. So, sex is extra tricky to an empath. Desire, passion, and lust is mistaken for care, concern, and love. This is about me and is in no way reflective of the entire trans community. I have witnessed beautiful, inspirational love that fills me with the hope that I will one day have my one and only.

For today, I'm not your jump off, your secret, your first time, your mistress, your fantasy, nor will I allow you to disrespect me and the wholeness of who I am.

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whew!

Red40something's picture

You have said so much in this short piece. It reflects how complicated it is for we as black women to build relationships with black men with societal layers and predjudices and stigma adding layers to it. I was recently rejected by a man for being open about my status. He was ok with it if just he knew, but not if everyone ( his friends and family) could find out, so I can relate in a small way to your anger and frustration. You aren't alone and I wholeheartedly stand with you in holding out until the one who can accept the whole picture comes along. Praying for you , light and peace!

 

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Bethany M. Brown M.Ed.'s picture

I was recently asked "Are they doing x-y-z because who you are or what you represent?" My first response was "What do you mean what I 'represent?' because I could not help but to be defensive; I am an assertive, positive woman who gets into the big ring of life (not always looked upon favorably, by the way). So, I, received this question as if there was something I had to personally fix and change. And, then, the person of whom asked the question clarified. She said "No. What I mean is: you do not pussyfoot around and you do not take any sh*t. Is it possible that you get the responses you do because they see in you what they like least about themselves or things they find lacking in themselves?" Like being honest, transparent, strong...vibrant, dynamic, and willing to own your space.

I just had this exchange two days ago, so it is fresh on my mind. And, after reading your post, I cannot help but think we might have this in common. Meaning, as we live our personally authentic, dedicated lives to loving and being kind to ourselves (which means honoring our being, having boundaries, and not settling), we look for the same in someone of whom we choose to love.only to get disappointed. And, since we are doing our best to be our best selves (which means not being vengeful and vindictive), the only place where we seem able to place their hurt is upon our shoulders.

Does this make sense? And, does it resonate with you? I welcome your thoughts. It grows tiresome doing the "right" things when it comes to being healthy, yet I would not want to do anything to compromise this good health. But, then I ask myself: "Why does it hurt so much?"

Hugs, Bethany

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