He Died Without Apologizing!

Submitted on Sep 29, 2021 by Destiny Smith

It's been almost four years since I contracted HIV. In the back of my mind I've always held onto a little piece of hope. Hope that the man who gave it to me would one day apologize. One day we would cross paths and we would have to have that long conversation because it was time.

Almost a month ago I found out he passed away in March of this year. I was fine, absolutely fine, before I found out. The day after I found out, my mind and body shut down. It was really different. The last time I felt those feelings was the day I found out about my status. I don't know if his death was related to the virus or if it was something else. We never spoke after our break up.

So the closure I once hoped for and just knew deep down was coming, isn't. I got closure, just not the closure I needed and wanted. He died before apologizing, he died before acknowledging the fact the he gave me something that could have potentially ruined my life. To end this and to get my closure, I want to tell him Thank You...

(Stay tuned for next blog entry to understand why a thank you is needed.)

Comments

6 comments

I get it

Submitted by Erin1989 • 2 years ago

I feel this so hard. I had a similar experience. My ex husband gave it to me, and the only reason I found out was when he was already on his death bed with PML. I never got any closure, and never will. I struggle with this a lot. I wish you healing strength!

Thank you so much. Same to

Submitted by Destiny1995 • 2 years ago

Thank you so much. Same to you love we got this.

I can relate

Submitted by KatieAdsila • 2 years ago

I'm so sorry sweetie, I completly get it. For a long time I didn't know who gave it to me but I figured it out with some investigation and a conversation with a mutual friend. But I didn't figure it out until after he had died of AIDS himself. The hardest part for me was finding out that he gave it to me on purpose so he wouldn't be the only one to die. I've never shared that before. Sending love sweetie

Sending love right back. And

Submitted by Destiny1995 • 2 years ago

Sending love right back. And omg thank you for sharing.

I'm so sorry. I don't know

Submitted by Escalice • 2 years ago

I'm so sorry. I don't know who I contracted from and for a long time I kept wondering thinking if I found out it would give me that closure. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. All that matters is right now. Right now we are strong, beautiful, and thriving! What matters is that we love ourselves and advocate for ourselves. I see you doing your thing on IG and working hard. Nothing can take that away from you