When It's Rare You Don't Treat It Likes It's Regular...

PDEES's picture

Given that we are in February, which is not only Black History month but also the month of LOVE, I felt compelled to share this message with y'all. When I tell you all my light is working like crazy right now. I mean it, the attraction is real heavy. An anomaly occurred for me a little while ago. As a vertical, a person who was born with HIV, we are already rare within the HIV/AIDS population. Yet and still I was blessed to be able to find who I consider my TWIN. This person may not feel the same way about me, but the point is for me this was something I never thought in a million years would happen. For my sake, I hope that this isn't the case.

If you ask all the female HIV advocates in the US, they will tell you how difficult it is to find a straight man living with HIV in this world. As many of them are living in so much fear of being stigmatized as a gay man, you don't see really any straight men speaking out for the cause or openly sharing their HIV positive status. I was blessed that my light attracted me to this super handsome vertical black man who was less than a year younger than me. Meaning we were born into this extremely unique experience at almost the exact same time. Literally, like everything about this man I thought was perfectly designed for me. The conversations I was able to share with him were unlike anything I ever experienced in this whole entire world. Nobody I've ever talked to or been with was able to relate to me in the way that he could. It's funny how things work out. Sometimes God will give you exactly what you wanted just to show you that it is not at all what you need. I feel like the most high placed what I thought was the perfect person in the world for me right in front of my face only to show me that in fact nothing is perfect and I deserve much more.

My mother used to always tell me, "Baby, life goes in circles." Realistically, life is never all growth and success, and if it seems to be, you are living life in a bubble. Life goes in cycles. When you are experiencing a full circle moment it means that after a long series of events or changes, the same situation that you started with still exists; we end up back where we started. For example, since I focus most of my energy on my career I keep noticing a lot of full circle moments in that area of my life. Five years after graduating from the University of California, Riverside, I ended up back at their school of medicine sharing my story with future medical students, some of them aspiring pediatricians.

"Spiritually, the circle represents the divine that keeps everything moving through spiritual law and order. Symbolically, a circle represents transition, and a movement that never ends towards self-realization. A circle protects against chaos and unpredictability, and invites an element of 'trusting the universe.' A circle in a dream represents a life lesson or challenge you are going through that is contributing towards your inner growth and spiritual evolution. It can be meant to give you encouragement to trust the cycle you are in, and that everything will work out if you don't give up." Symbolism Of a Circle: What Is The Spiritual Meaning.

I truly believe that God will keep putting you through the same test over and over again until you learn the lesson. And sometimes it takes a special kind of person or specific situation to deliver that message for it to hit different for you. Just like in several of my previous relationships, I found myself yet again dealing with another emotionally unavailable man. I haven't dated very many men and I have yet to be in a full fledged relationship with one; but for some odd reason I keep attracting men who are engaged, married, who are already in a relationship, or who aren't ready to be serious with anyone. Some of them lied to me about their significant others and some of them didn't. All of them were seeking in me what they were missing in their current relationship: for me to fulfill their sexual desires, a different feeling, an unrestricted kind of love, or a specific connection. Before dealing with this last man, I told myself I would never put myself in that situation again. But let me tell you, the most high is good boy. He placed me up against the greatest test of self love I have ever experienced he sat me right in front of my ultimate mirror and I couldn't help but make the same mistake again. I ignored every single last red flag and accepted less than what I deserved, because I had tunnel vision. I put so much weight on the STRENGTH of our CONNECTION.

We had the same story, and that trumped everything to for me. Truth be told, in all the situationships I was in before this one, I was chasing the feeling that this one satisfied for me. I didn't have to worry about disclosing, I didn't have to fear rejection because of my status, and I figured with him I could be sexually free without any restrictions or anything coming between us. Here I was once again playing myself low chasing that feeling. However, this experience ended up feeling the most restrictive out of them all. He played me off worse than any of the few guys I've ever dealt with before. After everything went down and things hit the fan he down played that connection. To save face, he switched up on me, because he was never for me to begin with. It cut deeper than any of the other times I had my feelings hurt in the past. I've felt this type of betrayal before but this time it hit mad different, and it's because I knew better but I ignored my intuition off of the STRENGTH of our CONNECTION. It had me looking in the mirror and questioning my worth in a different kind of way.

Imagine getting deeply hurt by the person you not only explained your pain to, but who could relate to your deepest, darkest experiences. I was able to be vulnerable with him and share things that I had always kept to myself, because I was afraid no one would understand. We were able to relate to some of the bad experiences we had in the past, like our experiences with disclosure or being in magnetic relationships. He understood the hell that I go through in my mind here on earth being born in a world that isn't very inclusive of our experience. I found the courage to finally open up with him about my scars and revisit some of the traumatic experiences I had in my childhood. I ignored all the red flags because of the weight of OUR STORIES only to have that person play me low, as if it all meant nothing and cut me off once again after sharing this connection. Moving forward to the lesson I'm learning from all of this. I believe God put me through this to show me that no matter how deep the CONNECTION is, never ever lower your standards, never go against yourself, or what is right for nobody. I truly believe it had to hit this hard for me to get it. He had to place me in front of my mirror for me to see my worth. I deserved that same love I poured into him off of the STRENGTH of our stories back.

It was never about him, it was always about me, and I'm sorry I almost let this man throw me off my mission GOD. I know my life's purpose, my purpose is to do exactly what I'm doing in this blog. I had to go through everything I went through early in life, and that I'm still going through now, just to get to the point of where I am today, so that I can be able to share this message with y'all. We are all connected and everything we do in life matters. You can be the difference in someone's life with helping them get it together and change their lives or leaving them where they are at. Because I decided to take the time out on my journey and I decided to learn who I was, I am now able help other people do the same. Which is why I can't just be with just any type of man, I can't just hang around any ol kind of people. I can't just participate in everything like I used to anymore. I can't move like everyone else does. I have to protect my energy and protect my peace. I have things to do, I have lives to save. I have people's souls that hang in the balance of what I do with my soul. I have been blessed to witness people shift their lives and feel more free to walk in their purpose because I am walking in mine. I'm no longer trying to just have fun, nor am I open to just going with the flow. I want to be intentional with everything that I do. This is not a game for me.

Because I have established who I am and I know my purpose, I have to align myself with people, places, and things who are FOR me, and who have been specifically assigned to help me on my mission. Like Nipsey Hussle said, "anything I lost I wasn't supposed to have, I don't want anything that belongs to someone else". As a person living with HIV, a lot of the time we settle for less than what we deserve because we think that we won't be able to find something better, but there is a method to his madness. No matter how much you yearn for love or a connection, never ever dishonor yourself. Not only do you deserve someone who is willing to love you regardless of your HIV status, you deserve to be loved, not liked, not lusted after, not settled for.

You deserve for someone to want to kiss your face just as much in the light of day as they do in the heat of the night. You deserve for someone to want nothing from you but to know you. You deserve for someone to love every piece of you, not just your face, your body, your availability, or what you have to offer.

You deserve to be held by secure arms and kissed by familiar lips. You deserve security, you deserve respect, and you deserve to be swept off your feet. You deserve diamonds and gold. Don't ever settle for less. I can't allow no man to dim my light or distract me from my heart work. My tribe needs me. When it's rare you don't treat it like it's regular. Full circle moment, only I am not back where I started. I've gained several years of experience, and I have survived through every lesson. Now this cycle can come to an end and I can start another one, taking with me all the knowledge and the effects of growth from over the last few years. I pray every day that you set my soul free from this tie, and give me the strength to break this cycle. This idea of cycles is relevant for me, because it is built into the understanding that all things end eventually, but not without being connected to new beginnings.

Tags: 

like1

Comments

Lemme run that back!!!

Red40something's picture

When it's rare you don't treat it like it's regular. Full circle moment, only I am not back where I started. 

Yeeeessssss!!!!! Amen forever and ever. Dope blog, dope lesson, dope drowth and dope faith! Love it Queen. 

 

like1

Deep asf

ci.ciiiiii's picture

Ayo! You touched on so many great points in this blog! Wow Porchia! Like, knowing that your actions don't only affect yourself, but also those who are watching. DEPENDING on you to do the right thing. That's a lot of pressure. But it also makes us think a couple times. The entire spiritual connection I felt while reading ... YES MAAM! Aint it crazy how God will use these situations to show us something we thought we had mastered but might still need to work on a little bit? I appreciate your vulnerability here. I always believe that you gotta know what you don't want so you can see what you do. Clearly, you are able to weigh out what things matter to you more. I am proud of you!

like0

Blog themes: 

admin's picture

Become a Member

Join our community and become a member to find support and connect to other women living with HIV.

Join now >

Do you get our newsletter?

admin's picture

Sign up for our monthly Newsletter and get the latest info in your inbox.

none_existing name

Browse Blogs by Theme